Hello JWV readers, I’m Kelle and I blog at Kelle’s Space, an online lifestyle platform which aims to educate and empower millennial women. I got in touch with Jenna a few weeks ago about the possibility of a collaboration. When she put the topic of situationships forward, I just knew this was something I had to share my two cents on.
According to Urban Dictionary, a situationship is ‘ a relationship that has no label on it’. It’s that simple. If you are involved with someone and you are giving them what is known as ‘girlfriend/boyfriend benefits’ and they haven’t (verbally) claimed you? You my friend are in a situationship.
Note the word ‘verbally’ because there are so many women out there who will go above and beyond for a man who has shown interest in them, only to end up feeling uncomfortable, confused and left with no choice but to ask that dreaded three-word question: What are we?
It’s so easy to condemn women who find themselves in situationships. ‘That could never happen to me’, ‘She must have really low self esteem’, ‘Why didn’t she get out of the situation sooner?’ Yep, we’ve all been that person or have been on the receiving end of such clichés. But you will be surprised at just how many women fall into the same trap time after time after time. It’s more common than we think, especially among millennials.
I’m going to share a few signs of situationships and tips on how to get yourself out of one. So pull out your notebooks because class is in now session.
If they tell you they don’t want a relationship, believe them!
This has got to be one of the most common pitfalls of all situationships known to man. A guy will tell you that he doesn’t want a relationship, which therefore makes him emotionally unavailable. You’ll receive that news and take it upon yourself to embark on an intense challenge course to make him want you. You’ll then go on a wild quest in hopes he’ll change his mind and fall head over heels for you.
Quit while you can because it’s highly unlikely that will occur. I’m not saying its’ not possible but the odds will be against you. So if a guy tells you he doesn’t want to commit to you, take his word for it and keep it moving. Some men will cut off contact once they’ve made their intentions known but the majority will feel no way about taking all that they can from you and more.
Free Game – In any type of dating situation, knowing where you stand is key. This is why you must date when you are ready and not because you feel like there is some void you need to fill.
You have no peace
‘Be his peace, not his war’, ‘Be his peace, not his headache’ – do you remember when these phrases were all over social media? As true as they are, the same also applies to women. We deserve peace in our personal and romantic relationships just as much as men do. If anything, we need to protect our energy even more! Imagine you’ve started dating a guy: the conversations are fine; you enjoy your time together and you are both happy with where things seem to be headed.
BUT something just doesn’t feel right. Do you listen to your gut or do you just ignore it, hoping that things will change dramatically overnight? Everyone is different but if you are dating or in a relationship and discomfort seems to creep in, the reality is you’ve got a lot of work to do.A big reason why some women end up in situationships is because they don’t do the work!
This isn’t homework. This is about taking the steps that you feel are necessary to determine whether your causes for concern are viable. If you are finding yourself always worrying or fretting about the man in your life, it’s time to take those worries seriously.
There’s no consistency (well on his part anyway)
Again, a very common sign that something isn’t right is when one party is putting in all the work and effort into the relationship and not getting anything in return. People who are in a loving, healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship see and talk to each other regularly. When a guy lacks consistency, he’s unpredictable. He’s the man who thinks spontaneity is the best thing since sliced bread. I’m not saying that spontaneity is a bad thing but if it’s the main form of reliance for what is meant to be a mutual union, then there’s a problem.
Once signs of inconsistency have started to show, then you need to think strategically. Address the situation with the person you are dating/or are with. Be open about your feelings, wants and expectations. If things start to change, then that’s great but if they don’t then you’ll know where you stand. Consistency is reciprocal but I honestly believe that if a man shows interest in you, then it’s his job to make the effort. If you feel like you are doing the most then you probably are.
More free game
Something else to note about being in a situationship is that you won’t notice it straight away. First, you’ll probably feel like something isn’t right and then you may start to withdraw (this may include ignoring or not being happy when you receive occasional calls/texts). The last stage may probably be an outburst, which is completely natural for women who don’t have lots of relationship experience. For those that do, a lack of consistency is something a strong, self-sufficient woman should not even think about entertaining, and even if she does for a little while, she’ll snap out of it in no time.
Talking about the future is just not an option
In situationships, the future (and even the present) are a blur. They aren’t discussed at all. Sometimes, one person might be willing to discuss the next steps of the relationship, while the other might be reluctant to do so. Pay attention to this because some men have the habit of claiming that something has come up or talking about something else as a way of diverting your attention.
On the other hand, you may be so used to just not having a conversation about the future, that you’re just not bothered. You just go with the flow and you are fine with that. If someone really wants to be in a relationship with you, there’s no such thing as going with the flow. They will make their feelings know and you’ll know where you stand.
Something else to look out for in relation to the future is ‘future faking’ (save for later). This term was coined by Natalie Lue, who is the founder of Baggage Reclaim. A future faker basically overestimates their level of interest. They will tell you whatever you need to hear and withdraw once they’ve stopped believing their own crap.
Everything about your relationship is ‘kept on the down-low’
This has been the subject of many virtual relationship debates over the past few years, particularly on Twitter. There’s a big difference between keeping your relationship private and hiding your partner completely. Some people have confused the two. Acknowledgement is such an important part of a relationship: it’s only a matter of time before one or both people in the relationship start to doubt themselves.
I’m not saying that everyone should show off their partner on social media but out of respect for your commitment, make it clear that you are taken. You’ll be surprised at how many men on social media behave like they are single while they have girlfriends or wives at home. Ladies, if they refuse to acknowledge you in any capacity, then there is something wrong. The same thing goes for going on dates. Meeting family/friends (when the time comes of course) and other milestones in your relationship.
Oh and one last thing…
There are people out there who are in situationships and their happy. However, if a relationship is what you truly desire, you need to pay attention. I’m not saying wait for things to go wrong but stay neutral. Be sure to put yourself in a position where you are able to discern what is good and bad for you. Even go as far as seeing yourself through a friend’s eyes. Anxiety, stress and uncertainty are not your portion, so never settle for less than you deserve. You can find some more of my relationship posts over on my website, Kelle xo
Final words from Jenna
I’m certain that you’ve taken something valuable from what Kelle shared with you. Situationships mean different things to different people. Some say it’s a fast track train to heartbreak and disappointment. While others believe it’s short lived fun that is nothing but a complete waste of time.
One thing that is certain is situationships are not for the faint hearted. Someone is bound to get their feelings hurt. However, the game is the game and at the end of the day someone has to lose. We’re all adults who have free will to make choices as we please. But let me remind you that if you decide to play with fire you’ll most definitely get burned. If you know deep down in your heart that a situationship is not what you want. Take heed to the advice above and pattern up.
Lots of love